I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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