I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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