I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize