Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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