i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
