He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
