are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
