wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
