I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
