when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
zippers are such a cool invention
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
