Welp...herpes.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
