omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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