I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
