...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
