I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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