Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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