im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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