I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
