Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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