So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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