I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
