Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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