then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
