Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
