When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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