I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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