he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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