these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
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