Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
