I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
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