You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
