so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
