So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
