She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
