Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
