If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
