I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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