Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
