Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
