I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
