final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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