Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
