dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
