You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
