She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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