a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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