yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize