Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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