Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
