Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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