i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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