True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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