he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
