When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Shame is for Republicans.
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