so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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