I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
