i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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